Enduring Uncertainty

     Can you endure your uncertainty until it shows you another way? 
     Uncertainty causes anxiety as it attempts to make you feel powerless. Uncertainty steals your ability to control situations in your life that you so desire to control. While struggling to hold on to some small piece of control, you desperately search for a new path, a new way to survive, even it is only temporary.  The horrifying uncertainty begins the second you hear those words..."You have Metastatic Breast Cancer."
      I have been faced with the challenge of enduring uncertainty too many times over the past several years. Progression is found and the immense feelings of uncertainty hits again. You start a new treatment, and there is a small sense of relief...maybe this is the way. But then you don't know what the side effects will be like, or if your body will even be able to tolerate this new drug or multiple drugs. How long will this treatment work...maybe 6 months, 12 months, or maybe I will be a lucky one whose treatment will last for years.  When you find your new way...and the drug is stabilizing or even eliminating some of the cancer, you are then given a moment to relax a little and let the uncertainty settle.
     Since I found out that the last clinical trial I was on did not work at all, the uncertainty has been overwhelming.  My biopsy was scheduled right away and the waiting began.  In about a week, I learned that the cancer was still Estrogen+ and HER2+. But the uncertainty continued as I waited another 2 weeks for the Match Trial results.  Unfortunately, I did not have any mutations that matched any of the trial drugs.  Although I was hoping for a Match Trial drug, at least we now knew the way forward.  
     Last Wednesday, I started a new treatment plan consisting of two drugs...Ibrance and Faslodex. No infusions for a while.  The Ibrance is a pill I take everyday for 21 days and then 7 days off.  The Faslodex is injections that I receive every four weeks.  Oh how I hope this is a treatment plan that will stabilize things and let me relax some for a while.  
Two of my amazing MBC friends
Our 3rd LBBC conference together
     Through time of uncertainty between treatment plans, I was able to take a trip to Philadelphia for the Living Beyond Breast Cancer's Metastatic Breast Cancer Conference where I was able to meet up with many of my friends from across that country, as well as make some new friends. It is so wonderful for us to get together as we are able to share our fears, our miseries, our dreams and our grief for those we lose so often to this incurable cancer. I adore these women!
    We all face uncertainty in our lives.  When you do, remember to "Embrace the Suck," as my son Levi would say. Help each other through. It's the people who help you through day by day that remind you that you can endure.  So very thankful for my people. 


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